The Sexuality Poll

Which BEST describes you? (You freak...)

  • Straight (male)

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Gay (male)

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Bisexual (male)

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Thought I was straight, but Mana's kind of got me wondering (bi-curious male)

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Straight (female)

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Gay (female)

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Bisexual (female)

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Thought I was straight, but Mana's kind of got me wondering (bi-curious female)

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Not sure yet. I'll have to get back to you on this one...

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    0
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Iskanderia

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navate wrote:
Well, for me it's not that I don't have any sexual desire--I do. I just don't fantasize about or desire other people. I can't think of other people that way. And it's really baffling to know that most people DO think of other people (and maybe even me ::erm::) that way.
To me this just sounds like low libido.

Everyone seems to have a different level of sexual desire (if they have it at all, that is - sorry for not putting an "asexual" option in my poll: it didn't even occur to me) and that level can also change within an individual.

For example: there was a period of about a year and a half where I had no sex, no romance, no hugs, no kisses, no nothing after several years of back to back long relationships consisting of all that stuff. By the time I was half way through that period, my desire for sex in particular dropped way way down - to the point where I was baffled by how I was ever that interested in it. I couldn't remember what the big deal was and I stopped thinking about sex almost entirely by the end of the year and a half. In fact sex seemed kind of...gross to me all of a sudden.

Unexpectedly though, I ended up in a relationship again, fell in love, and bingo, my libido went back up. Now I'm similarly baffled by how I could've been so disinterested in sex for that year and a half.

I know other people that have experienced similar things. I hear a lot from guys that they masturbate a lot more when they are actually in a relationship with someone rather than when they aren't. I just think that the more you do it, the more you think about it and therefore, if you don't do it at all (or if the few times you have, it hasn't been that great), then you're not going to think about it.

Then add on a naturally low libido to begin with...
 

navate

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Antaeus wrote:
I say this because you say asexuals aren't virgin in a lot of cases. Therefore, they did have sexual desires at some point in their life. Otherwise they wouldn't have sex. They must have lost that desire somehow.
The classification for being asexual is less about whether or not people have sexual urges and more about being sexually attracted to other people, from what I understand. Think of it in the same terms of other sexual classifications... it's not about whether or not there is a drive, it's about what you are attracted to. In the case of asexual, it's sexual attraction for neither sex, not no sexual desire or nonsexual attraction at all. (I've heard of hetero asexuals and homo asexuals... asexuals can still seek relationships.)

I'm not sure if I'm asexual or not (and the assumptions you make in your posts are a large reason why I am hesitant to classify myself as one), but even though I do not get sexually attracted to other people, I do not find sex gross. I'd be fine with having sex in a relationship with someone, if they wanted it. But it'd be in the sense that I like doing things to make people I love happy.

Iskanderia wrote:
To me this just sounds like low libido.

Everyone seems to have a different level of sexual desire (if they have it at all, that is - sorry for not putting an "asexual" option in my poll: it didn't even occur to me) and that level can also change within an individual.
No, I don't think it has anything to do with libido in my case. My libido is fine and I'm a very passionate person, I just never have pursued other people with sex in mind. I've only been in one serious relationship, and it lasted 4 months... we never got past holding hands and kissing. I didn't want anything more. Not because "I wasn't ready" or anything like that. It seriously never crossed my mind. And I never noticed it was strange until I realized how quickly other people moved in their relationships.

It might sound strange, but I do have a lot of desires that involve other people...but they're artistic desires and emotional desires. People's minds arouse me, not their bodies... if that makes sense. It's intimate and intense, but not sexual.
 

rizumu

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I'm straight. Not asexual but not overtly sexual either. I don't really feel the need to be in a relationship, therefore I'm usually not, and the ones I've been in have been none too successful, or messed me up. Basically I'm picky to begin with and don't really care anymore. So because of that and the way I look and talk I get pegged for gay.

All my friends think I'm gay as do their gay friends. "You're never with a girl!" Well...I'm never with a guy either genius. :roll: It does start to piss me off. :| If I was gay I'd be balls out totally open gay! I wouldn't deny it! xD
 

Amatsu

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Cerceaux wrote:
I don't even think that merits a formal "coming out"

I don't think it's any more or any less important to come out as gay or lesbian either. Its just telling your friends specifically how you live you life in that aspect. telling them you're asexual would have the same reasons as tell them you're gay.

in fact, i don't see a difference at all.

I don't consider it 'coming out' unless you purposely kept it from people, which I did. if you did keep it from people, wether it be asexuality, homosexuality, genderqueer, or the like, trusting your friends to know these things is a means to let them know you better as a person.

I just don't see the difference. what "merits" a coming out?

also, how is it easier to "spot a gay person" than it is an asexual person. I don't understand that either...

I mean, in some aspects, such as if there was a gay couple who were holding hands in public or kissing, etc, i guess theres no way to see an asexual person in that aspect, but other then that specific case, i don't know.

edit: I'm not attacking you or anything, just asking questions about your post and displaying my opinion on the matters.
 

Cerceaux

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@ Amatsu: What I meant was that an asexual person shouldn't feel pressured to come out, especially if they hang around with closed-minded people. If they want to, then it is of course their own decision. Since an asexual person would likely refrain from having a romantic relationship, then I wouldn't see the need for a coming out. However, when one would likely pursue a relationship in the future, then a coming-out might be more necessary, since they would be interested in a certain sex (or both) and their friends would eventually find out anyway. Also, I've never heard of a straight person coming-out (kinda funny when you think about it...maybe someday people will do that xD), so it has to do with societal standards more than just my opinion.

About it being easier to spot a gay person, I probably could have worded that better, but I got lazy. Sorry. But I think you got what I meant. A gay man might have a boyfriend, but an asexual man would not be in a relationship and therefore it would be more difficult to determine their sexuality without knowing them personally (like, are they not interested in anyone at all, or are they just single?). However I'm not saying that it is always easier to "spot" gay people, and an asexual person could also be mistaken as a gay person so ultimately my statement is a fallacy. Thanks for catching that. :oops: I didn't mean to make a blanket statement.

My last note, directed at no one in particular:
Okay, my overall thoughts on the whole "sexuality" thing are that if you want to classify yourself, and you're absolutely sure, then fine. But not everyone fits neatly into one category, and I worry that some people crack under the pressure to put themselves in a little society-friendly, labeled box. They could end up in the wrong box, and have a bad time. So, just be careful because 10 years from now you could feel totally different. So, I guess I'm kind of opposed to the idea of "coming out" at all, unless you're totally confident about your sexuality.
 

Amatsu

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Cerceaux wrote:
@ Amatsu: What I meant was that an asexual person shouldn't feel pressured to come out, especially if they hang around with closed-minded people. If they want to, then it is of course their own decision. Since an asexual person would likely refrain from having a romantic relationship, then I wouldn't see the need for a coming out. However, when one would likely pursue a relationship in the future, then a coming-out might be more necessary, since they would be interested in a certain sex (or both) and their friends would eventually find out anyway. Also, I've never heard of a straight person coming-out (kinda funny when you think about it...maybe someday people will do that xD), so it has to do with societal standards more than just my opinion.
Ah, makes sense to me now now.

Cerceaux wrote:
About it being easier to spot a gay person, I probably could have worded that better, but I got lazy. Sorry. But I think you got what I meant. A gay man might have a boyfriend, but an asexual man would not be in a relationship and therefore it would be more difficult to determine their sexuality without knowing them personally (like, are they not interested in anyone at all, or are they just single?). However I'm not saying that it is always easier to "spot" gay people, and an asexual person could also be mistaken as a gay person so ultimately my statement is a fallacy. Thanks for catching that. :oops: I didn't mean to make a blanket statement.
Thats what I thought you meant, thanks for clearing that up :]

Cerceaux wrote:
My last note, directed at no one in particular:
Okay, my overall thoughts on the whole "sexuality" thing are that if you want to classify yourself, and you're absolutely sure, then fine. But not everyone fits neatly into one category, and I worry that some people crack under the pressure to put themselves in a little society-friendly, labeled box. They could end up in the wrong box, and have a bad time. So, just be careful because 10 years from now you could feel totally different. So, I guess I'm kind of opposed to the idea of "coming out" at all, unless you're totally confident about your sexuality.

I agree.

"some people crack under the pressure to put themselves in a little society-friendly, labeled box."

Smart words. I think all societies have gross standards in a lot of aspects and i think it has a profoundly negative influence on the way people present themselves, and how people think of themselves and others.
 

Iskanderia

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Cerceaux wrote:
So, just be careful because 10 years from now you could feel totally different. So, I guess I'm kind of opposed to the idea of "coming out" at all, unless you're totally confident about your sexuality.
Seriously. I was totally sure I was gay at one point. Like, totally, totally sure and then bam, ooops, guess not.

(Sorry I messed with you like that Grandma.)
 

Berserk

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Seriously. I was totally sure I was gay at one point. Like, totally, totally sure and then bam, ooops, guess not.
Seriously, I think at least 50% (but honestly probably more) of the guys in my school think that they're gay, and I'm sure some are, but I get the impression that a lot of them are just confused.

Of course, I hate questioning another person's sexuality. In my opinion, if you identify a certain way, you know best--it's not another person's perogative to tell you otherwise.

But I've noticed there's a mighty strong correlation with people who lack/have crappy dads and male relationships and guys who suddenly realize when they reach high school that they're "gay". In my opinion I think a lot of them are desperately searching for some sort of solid male companionship that they've always lacked, and find these urges to form bonds with other males as being "gay".

But I'm not a psychologist or anything, so I might be full of crap.
 

Garnet in the Eden

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D:...To be honest, I see myself as 100% gay, but when I think of it, I've never ever had a solid male companionship and I've always wanted one :(.
 

Antaeus

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Berserk wrote:
Seriously, I think at least 50% (but honestly probably more) of the guys in my school think that they're gay, and I'm sure some are, but I get the impression that a lot of them are just confused.

heh? you know that most guys wouldn't even consider the possibility of being gay unless they are confronted with it? In other words, only a small amount of a school would think they are gay, not 50%.
 

Berserk

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you know that most guys wouldn't even consider the possibility of being gay unless they are confronted with it? In other words, only a small amount of a school would think they are gay, not 50%.
I don't know about The Netherlands, but in The United States pigeonholing yourself into a sexuality is extremely common.

If anyone has some sort of attraction to other males that seems extra-friendly (be it sexual or otherwise), they might conclude that they're gay with no questions asked. That happens rather frequently.

50% is an exaggeration. It's more like 35%.
 

sailorKa

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^ WOW, really? O_o
My friends didn't label themselves as gay until they'd slept with their 10th man(or woman) or something ::meev::
USA is a bit different, when it comes to sex, from Venezuela. O_o
Antaeus wrote:
sailorKa wrote:
To give you a plus, I thought this way too upon finding the term asexual. I thought this could be my answer for "I do not partake in relationships NOR have interest in sex!" but upon meeting a wide variety of asexuals on the internet, I found out that the "aromantic" tag becomes important because asexuality encompasses such a big amount of people that come from all walks of life that within the community, differentiations are needed, somehow.
So to aswer you comment: No, asexuality may mean that you don't have sexual desires(not at all. This varies among the asexual you may be speaking to) this doesn't mean they don't crave the mental connectivity of a "partner" nor does it mean that they don't have silly crushes or even fall in love.
yes, the definition of asexual is slightly wrong, if you try to clarify the word with common sense. Aromantic doesn't sound bad. However, aromantic sounds like you don't like romance at all(or should I stop trying to describe words with common sense?). I can imagine someone who can't feel love does like the idea of love, and romance. Same for someone who avoids it(there are plenty of reasons to avoid it even when you do like the idea of romance). so, the term aromantic is not satisfying, but I guess it will do.
Well, its aromantic not anti-romantic. I'm asexual yet I'm far more confortable discussing sex-related topics than many of my sexual friends so I'm far from being anti-sex. =P
On the same line, I don't mind romantic movies(Hell, I adore "Love Actually" ::meev:: ) so ..yeah. :P

Antaeus wrote:
sailorKa wrote:
:) I know its hard to believe but its perfectly OK and possible to have a deep & meaningful relationship with someone without having sex.
First of all, you mentiong "sexual frustration" but remember the couple could be asexual on both parties. ;)
When one of the partners isn't asexual, you work out those problems and of course, if you don't mind polyamory or polygamy your partner could always go find sex somewhere else(I know at least two couples who are polyamorous and this works out for them).
In the end, I guess it depends of how much you DO love that person and how much you're willing to try for him/her/zir/whatever.
;)
But you can also have a deep & meaningful friendship.. a deep & meaningful friendships are a lot more useful, stable, trustful and less fragile, so why start a relationship when a friendship is a much better option?
Uh... You're asking something I ask all the time now XD I wouldn't know.
I ask my friends all the time this and they all say that "its different, period" I don't understand it better tha you do, so *shrugs* XD

Antaeus wrote:
sailorKa wrote:
When you suppress or willingly ignore your sexual desires you're practicing CELIBACY.
Many, many asexuals aren't virgins and (sadly for them) most celibates are not in any way asexual. ;)

This is actually the part I disagree with you. Also a bit of what you said earlier in your post about the sex part. Actually, there are just a few questions that pops in my mind. I hope that can clarify it a bit. First of all, do asexuals kiss? Kissing is like the "paring dance"(what is the english term for it? birds do it before having sex) for humans before sex. So kissing is an act of showing sexual affection, and physical interest in the other person. It would be hypocritical for an asexual to kiss another person.
This a much too broad question for me to answer. As I said, everyone is different.
If you want me to answer for myself, I don't kiss people on the mouth but kissing on the cheek is normal(even obligatory) hello & goodbye here.
Some asexuals are appalled by the very idea of someone holding your hand while I cuddle with many many friends without reason(nor ulterior motives).
Some asexuals DO kiss and for them, as I've heard them say, this isn't treated as "foreplay" but as an act in and of itself.
And I've never seriously kissed anyone nor any other stuff but kissing seems easier to do than sex and a lot less sloppy. xD
I'm not talking about full-on frontal frenchkissing thou. ::erm::

I don't consider it hypocrital, thou. People have different preferences and I could say I find it hypocrital that some guys love(forgive the crudeness) oral while they're not willing to go down on a girl(I know people like this) because they're "sensitive like that." but it happens. :P If someone finds kissing 'OK' while is disgusted by everything else, well, that's them.
Some asexuals are troubled by the fact that they love hugging their parners and that said partners thinks of it as "oh, you want sex!" when that's not really the case. So what constitutes "foreplay" and what doesn't? It also depends on the person you ask, I guess. I can't be clearer because as I said people differ a lot on this. There's not cut-clean answer.

Antaeus wrote:
Then, second. isn't the word asexuality mostly used by people with bad experiences related to sex, or (mainly) girls who are insecure about the entire sex thing? Maybe this sounds blunt, but it is quite noticeable(Of course, there are always exceptions, so generally speaking...). The asexuals I have known all had problems in the past related to sex. So they hated sex, not for sex itself, but because they are reminded of that bad experience. To the outside world they reflect that with asexuality, or simply that they are not interested in sex. It is also noticeable that less males are asexual(I don't have a statistic source for this though, only my own experience). Probably because the entire sex thing is easier for males than for females physically.
Well, first of all, in the asex community on LJ, I don't see much more women than men. *shrugh* so I'll just ignore that you said "girls" in all those sentences and use "people" to be more accepting.

No, people(or girls) don't need to have had a bad experience with sex to be asexual. not at all. That's one of the misconceptions of it all and that's why people are brought down when they come out(yes, come out ;)) to their friends and family.
The asexuals that have had sex they say that it wasn't a "traumatic experience" or any such thing, nor did they think it was the most horrible thing ever. They just didn't think it was as great as everyone puts it out to be and don't feel like they need it to be a part of their life.
In other words, "thank you but no thank you."
For asexuals who've never had sex, if you ask "OHHH, well you don't know till you've tried it!" which may be true to so slight degree but, you know, the same thing could be said to some ultra-jock: "Oh, how can you say you don't like men until you've tried it?" :P
They just know they're straight and they don't need to sleep with a man to confirm it(thou some do ;) ). Its the same for some asexuals, they don't need to have sex to know they don't want it or need it.

As for the sex thing being easier for men.... you're so wrong XD
Even if you're asexual, you can satisfy your partner. When you're asexual and a guy... if you can't get it up or find sex disgusting during the act, boom. you're done. X'D
Its easier for women in that sense. :P


This is from an article on AVEN written by a girl, titled "Top Ten Responses to 'I'm asexual'":
#10: "You hate men."
#9: "You can't get a man."
#8: "You have a hormone problem."
#7: "You're overly involved in your own busy life."
#6: "You just never had me in your bed." ::cam::
#5: "You are afraid of getting into a relationship."
#4: "You were sexually abused as a child."
#3: "You are a lesbian."
#2: "You just haven't met the right guy."
#1: "Aww, did you just get out of a bad relationship?"

:P
Antaeus wrote:
I say this because you say asexuals aren't virgin in a lot of cases. Therefore, they did have sexual desires at some point in their life. Otherwise they wouldn't have sex. They must have lost that desire somehow.
I'm tired of writing.... XD
Lots of situations you mention are in the General FAQ over at AVEN(Asexuality Visibility and Education Network):
http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.ph ... eneral_FAQ

I can't answer the sex thing either with much confidence because it pertains to the preferences of other asexuals but I've read that they sometimes lost their sexuality of "try it out" or perhaps to satisfy their partner or perhaps they did have a time in their life(like puberty? I dunno) when they were sexually active for whatever reasons.

I hope I cleared out some stuff for you. cuz I AM tired of writing. XDDD

--k
 

Garnet in the Eden

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I read on the problems page of a newspaper about a boy who first thought he was gay because he didn't fancy girls.

But he didn't like the idea of being with another man, so he completely supressed those thoughts of if he was gay.

So he wasn't attracted to girls or boys in the end because he didn't have feelings for girls and (somehow o.0) chose not to have those feelings for boys (which I don't think he ever had.)

Then he questioned if he was asexual or not. And I actually can't remember how Dierdre replied... ::erm::
 

Berserk

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^ WOW, really? O_o
My friends didn't label themselves as gay until they'd slept with their 10th man(or woman) or something
USA is a bit different, when it comes to sex, from Venezuela. O_o
Maybe it's just the backwards hick town I live in, but I seriously know guys who get a hard-on in the locker room and then immediately think they're flamingly gay. It's silly, and I'm positive that the mass media factor into that somehow.

But that's only a small portion of the "gay" population at our school. I see a lot of guys who just need a really good friend, but think that what they want is a really good friend... when it's not.

And then there are some who are actually gay.
 

Amatsu

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I know I don't like girls, and I havent had sex with 10 men o_o

I just know, I don't think of girls that way, and I'm never attracted to them. :roll:

also, I have intense eurotophobia (fear of female genetalia, also a term for the fear of the color red, or the fear of blushing, but the first definition is the phobia i have)

i'm not afraid of pictures, but when I see a vagina in real life, i'm literally afraid of it. I dunno why, I know it won't hurt me... its weird.
i dunno. its completely irrational.
 

Priss

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^:| That literally made make that face.
I don't want to sound rude or anything, but you're what 16, right? How many vagina's could you have possibly seen to know that you're afraid of them?

Also, I never in my life thought I'd ask that question to anyone. It's just so random! :lol:
 

Amatsu

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Priss wrote:
^:| That literally made make that face.
I don't want to sound rude or anything, but you're what 16, right? How many vagina's could you have possibly seen to know that you're afraid of them?

Also, I never in my life thought I'd ask that question to anyone. It's just so random! :lol:

I make that face a lot.

I've seen more vagina's than you'd expect... :|

my friends and I arent the kind of people to hide our bodies from eachother.
 

sailorKa

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Oh I know what I'm sending you for halloween then, Amatsu. :twisted:
Go to YouTube and look for the trailer of "With Teeth."
:lol:

I know I don't like girls, and I havent had sex with 10 men o_o
Well, yeah. What I mean is that no one thinks about "their sexuality" unless they're not gay. O_o
I have straight friends who've kissed men or found one really attractive and they've never doubted their sexuality for a second. XD

Dunno. I'd just never seen anything like what berserk described. XD

--k
 

faith

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sailorKa wrote:
Oh I know what I'm sending you for halloween then, Amatsu. :twisted:
Go to YouTube and look for the trailer of "With Teeth."
:lol:

My dear lord that's a stupid plot.
Whoever made it needs a clue.

(no offense to you, of course XD I just had to say that)

Anyway, I think a lot of people are confused nowadays, and it's best to just go with whatever if it happens. Or something.

PS. I think sexuality's a fad, like many other things.
It seems to be "in vogue" to be bi or gay or whatnot now, and so people are gonna say they are when they aren't.
But it's also dangerous, so they could also say they aren't when they are, and etc etc etc.
I dunno about everyone else, but I'm just gonna assume I'm asexual and live my life and not worry too much about it XD

EDT: Plus, if you take "culture" into account, some people who aren't normally gay could end up gay "just cause".
Nurture vs Nature still exists.
 
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