Your Last Name

[PureElegance]

Hi guys!

Well, I've been wondering about this ever since my friend got a lot of flack for her Facebook status that said she will not change her last name when getting married. The topic was brought up again when our newly wedded friend said she was making her last name her middle name.

I wanted to know what people here thought about the name change. I know there are married women, young women, etc with various viewpoints and backgrounds here so I thought this would be a good place to ask the question. Even if you aren't planning on getting married ever I'd still like to know :3

This isn't only a question for women though, it's also for guys! I highly doubt most of you would change your last names or even consider the idea, but I was wondering what you thought about it as well. Don't worry, I won't crucify you.

 

[Berserk]

I've always felt like I would want my wife to change her name if we got married because it would make us feel more like a single family to all have the same name. But on the other hand, if I were a woman, I think I would wonder why I was the one who had to change, especially if I particularly liked my last name or didn't like my husband's name.

Maybe husband and wife should both adopt eachother's name with a hyphen or something. That way the family has a single last name and no one loses anything. And for the next generation, I suppose they would replace one of the two names with their spouse's name, otherwise the hyphenation would go on ad infinitum

EDIT: Is the poll itself just asking women? Because if not, I think the men's votes would skew the results.

 

[Cerceaux]

I don't like my last name, so I would welcome an opportunity to change it.

Cerceaux Earnshaw
Cerceaux Heathcliff
Cerceaux Linton

Hmm, decisions, decisions...

 

[voixdinferno]

I have no idea what are you talking about guys xD ... But here, women didn't changes her last name....

I love my last name.... Saravia.

 

[PureElegance]

I've always felt like I would want my wife to change her name if we got married because it would make us feel more like a single family to all have the same name. But on the other hand, if I were a woman, I think I would wonder why I was the one who had to change, especially if I particularly liked my last name or didn't like my husband's name.

Exactly. I don't mind the idea of changing my last name, but the expectation that I will is what bothers me. In principle I have a choice to change it, but the expectation is already in place. And if you know me, I hate expectations like that

http://powertochange.com/life/lastname/
http://www.yourtango.com/question/20106 ... e-her-name
http://thegloss.com/sex-and-dating/why- ... last-name/
For some men though, the woman not changing her name means trouble in the future or that they're not marriage material.

I have other personal reasons though. For example, I can't imagine hopping around South America with a gringo last name. I'm sure people would treat me like a deity, but I don't want to be treated that way because my last name is American.

Maybe husband and wife should both adopt eachother's name with a hyphen or something. That way the family has a single last name and no one loses anything. And for the next generation, I suppose they would replace one of the two names with their spouse's name, otherwise the hyphenation would go on ad infinitum

I don't like the hyphen idea for that reason, it'll get confusing

I kind of like the middle name thing though. My other friend said she'd use her maiden name for business and her husband's name for everything else. I suppose it depends on where you are in life and in your career.

EDIT: Is the poll itself just asking women? Because if not, I think the men's votes would skew the results.

No, I realize now that I meant it to mean more "do you believe in name changes" or something, but I can't change it now. So just imagine it's there. :B

@voixdinferno: I KNOW! That's so interesting, haha. But I think it would also be kind of confusing in the US because then my husband's last name would be my middle name and my maiden name my last name Maybe that's why I never thought about this subject before because my parents just kept all their names XD (they don't use them in the US though)

@Cerceaux: Wuthering Heights Loser.

 

[Shelly Webster]

Well, I wanna get married but I'll keep my last name. And I don't know if I'm gonna put my fianceé's last name on mine.

I don' t like this idea of changing names and etc..

 

[Taku]

I have other personal reasons though. For example, I can't imagine hopping around South America with a gringo last name. I'm sure people would treat me like a deity, but I don't want to be treated that way because my last name is American.

are there really american last names? aren't they more like german, french, italian.... names pronounced terribly wrong?


but seriously I really hate it when men expect their wife to change her name, I remember my mother had to change her name when my parents married (ok she too a double name, but she couldn't just keep her original name).. anyway even if the woman keeps her name their children are most likely to get their father's name, I don't know I kind don't like that... yet I prefer my mother's last name to my father's so I'm little biased here I suppose

 

[Berserk]

^^Some of us have English/Gaelic names that we pronounce just fine, thank you very much

http://powertochange.com/life/lastname/
http://www.yourtango.com/question/20106 ... e-her-name
http://thegloss.com/sex-and-dating/why- ... ast-name/=

I thought that last article was especially pathetic XD "Waaahhh, if she doesn't take my name then I'm not a man! Boohoo!"

However, a commenter on the second article made a fair point, I think. We have a lot of marriage traditions that the men have to fulfill: He has to find the perfect moment, get down on one knee, present her with a stunning ring that he spent his whole savings on (unless he's rich or something), then they have to throw the finest wedding ceremony money can buy, etc. On the woman's end of it, they get the guy a plain gold band, plan the ceremony (though the man could do this step or be a part of it), and maybe pay for part or half of the wedding expenses if they can... oh, and then they traditionally take their husband's name.

If we really want more marriage equality and to do away with the expectation that women take their husband's name, then IMO we should do away with all these other expectations that we put on the man. Maybe both should just buy plain, gold bands for each other, stop expecting the man to be the one who proposes, and have a modest ceremony that they both can easily plan together.

I don't think my wife refusing to take my name would be a deal-breaker, but it would feel like less of a commitment. I think it's not just a sacrifice on the woman's part, but also something that bonds them both together--it makes the relationship feel permanent. I know of a woman who even kept her husband's name after their divorce.

However, I would feel perfectly content if my wife kept her name as a middle name or even just made my name a middle name or hyphenated or something. Though I don't think we would hyphenate, because my name is so long as it is ("Donovan Stuart Wentworth"), but I would rather we both hyphenate than both have different names. Just anything to make it feel "official" and permanent I guess.

EDIT: Only girls can get me thinking about things like this before marriage. The other night, a girl I was having dinner with even got me thinking about what I might name my kids. You gals are all baby crazy, I swear

All the more reason for me to put off marriage for as looong as possible

 

[flowersofnight]

However, a commenter on the second article made a fair point, I think. We have a lot of marriage traditions that the men have to fulfill: (.....) then they have to throw the finest wedding ceremony money can buy, etc

What? It's the bride's family that pays for the wedding. And similarly, pays the dowry, if you're really old-school XD
See also: "Fiddler On The Roof"

As for me: if I wanted to start a family, I'd maybe make up a new and fitting last name. Otherwise, who cares?
My recently-married sister did do the traditional thing and took her husband's last name, keeping her original first and middle names. And our family did pay for the wedding, though really my mom's so into that sort of thing that she would probably pay for mine too if I ever wanted one

EDIT: Only girls can get me thinking about things like this before marriage. The other night, a girl I was having dinner with even got me thinking about what I might name my kids.

RUN AWAAAAAAYYYYYY

 

[MissUMana]

I respect everybody's choice in the matter, but it seems so natural to me to take one's husband's name. There is so little obligation to marry now that it seems absurd marrying and keeping one's maiden name. French law leaves you perfectly free in the matter, but I personally feel it is part of the commitment. Your maiden name is your name forever anyway, the one you are identified with in all administrative matters. And I am sure a husband likes his wife taking his name.

 

[Cerceaux]

You gals are all baby crazy, I swear

I hate babies.

 

[PureElegance]

EDIT: Only girls can get me thinking about things like this before marriage. The other night, a girl I was having dinner with even got me thinking about what I might name my kids. You gals are all baby crazy, I swear

Yeah seriously, RUN AWAY! My friend in high school was already calling her boyfriend's family "the in laws" and had already named their kids (Alessandro, Federico) and that relationship ended up horribly. I don't know why some girls have a need to introduce that so early into the relationship. I don't care if she's like that with her friends, but seriously, way to scare off the guy you like! :B

The bride normally pays for the wedding, unless your bride is a Bridezilla. I know I'm definitely paying for mine, so it means that I'll be in control (bwahahaha). I also wouldn't equate getting down on one knee to changing her last name forever, especially if the last name means so much to her and is already part of her identity and career. You're not giving anything up. Also, your kids will have your name, not hers.

So what is left is the engagement ring, but I think that depends on whatever the man wants to do and how much he can afford. You normally both end up with plain gold bands anyways.

I know, that last guy seemed especially insecure! I mean geez.

I mean, my opinion could totally change in the future, but I really like my last name because I'm the last one in the branch, it's part of my heritage, and it goes really well with my first name, while also making my full name to mean "concealed nobility" (or even "noble thief"). Other than that there's my career to think of and I think it would be advantageous to keep my name.

Your maiden name is your name forever anyway, the one you are identified with in all administrative matters.

Is that how it is in France? Because here the maiden name is gone, basically. It's also harder in the US for a man to change his name than a woman, which I THINK IS SAYING SOMETHING ZOMG.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/200 ... iage_N.htm
This guy sued California for gender discrimination because it was harder for him to change his surname to his wife's. I think the little sidebar that shows what it's like in other countries is interesting. It's like the whole world keeps the maiden name

The California Legislature is set to consider a bill this month that would allow men to change their surnames upon marriage as seamlessly as women now can. Only seven states now allow a man who wishes to alter his name after his wedding to do so without going through the laborious, frequently expensive legal process set out by the courts for any name change. Women don't have to do so.

(I don't know what's happened since that article though)

are there really american last names? aren't they more like german, french, italian.... names pronounced terribly wrong

Haha, well I meant something like "Smith" or "Jones" or "Jefferson" or "Fenstermacher." It could be German, French, Italian, but the more important thing is is that people will go "omg she married someone from the US! WOAH!"

@Flowers: you're so progressive it's scaring me.

 

[Berserk]

What? It's the bride's family that pays for the wedding.

Ha! That won't be happening with my sisters' wedding

I mean, my mom will probably pay what she can, but she won't be able to do it all herself by a longshot. And I doubt my sister's boyfriend's family would be able to chip in much either. In short, when you're poor, wedding ceremonies are thrifty and you all pay for it XD

I don't really know much about the traditional way of planning and paying for wedding ceremonies, I guess, because my family has an... interesting relationship with the institution, you could say. Plus, except for my dad's side, everyone lives on a subsistence basis so there's never been much money to go around for a huge ceremony anyways.

@PE: If the bride pays for it all then that's one thing, but it's always seemed to me that the wedding ceremony has way more in it for the woman than the man XD. I get queasy just thinking about how I'll have to go through the motions someday. If it were up to me, we'd just get each other plain bands, rent some basic wedding attire, have a quick ceremony in the afternoon with our immediate family and friends, then all go to dinner at Red Lobster and call it a night

The Honey Moon is where it's at anyways

(Unless you're working class and therefore have no vacation time or money to actually have a honeymoon. In which case you might be spending your "honeymoon" protesting in Zuccotti Park )

 

[MissUMana]

"Fenstermacher" is the best name ever. I want to be a Mrs Fenstermacher some day!

Your maiden name remains your name so much here that if you get a divorce, you can keep your husband's name only if he agrees that you do, and it has to be stipulated in the official documents, otherwise you have no choice but use your maiden name again.

Do men still have to get down on one knee? Sounds pretty Victorian to me.

 

[Chouko]

Dude, if given a chance, I'd change it in a heartbeat! My last name is 'Waugh', which is just pronounced 'wa' pretty much, but everyone messes it up one way or another. 'Waff', 'woah', 'wag'...
I swear, I'm marrying a girl with the last name Smith, at least people can say that!

 

[Shelly Webster]

Dude, if given a chance, I'd change it in a heartbeat! My last name is 'Waugh', which is just pronounced 'wa' pretty much, but everyone messes it up one way or another. 'Waff', 'woah', 'wag'...
I swear, I'm marrying a girl with the last name Smith, at least people can say that!

lol xD

It's so irritating when people change our names -.-

My last name is "Pastore" but in portuguese, everybody messes up and call me "PastorA" which means here in Brasil "shepherdess". Hehehehe! Then they just play with my last name.

"Pastora,where are you sheep?"

-__________-

 

[PureElegance]

My evil theology teacher in elementary/middle school, I swear, I think he purposely mispronounced all of our names. So many letters would be missing from mine when he said it. XD

What? It's the bride's family that pays for the wedding.

Ha! That won't be happening with my sisters' wedding

I mean, my mom will probably pay what she can, but she won't be able to do it all herself by a longshot. And I doubt my sister's boyfriend's family would be able to chip in much either. In short, when you're poor, wedding ceremonies are thrifty and you all pay for it XD

Flowers doesn't understand, he's part of the 1%.

@PE: If the bride pays for it all then that's one thing, but it's always seemed to me that the wedding ceremony has way more in it for the woman than the man XD. I get queasy just thinking about how I'll have to go through the motions someday. If it were up to me, we'd just get each other plain bands, rent some basic wedding attire, have a quick ceremony in the afternoon with our immediate family and friends, then all go to dinner at Red Lobster and call it a night

That actually sounds really cute. My parents had a small inexpensive wedding too. But I want mine to be like Aladdin's "Prince Ali."
Or maybe that'll be the entrance only.

There's a Red Lobster near here and I had the best chicken fettucini alfredo in a while. I'll have to go again some time :3

@MissUMana: Fenstermacher is such a great name right? That's it, that's what I'm changing it to

 

[Iskanderia]

I didn't change my name. My stepfather adopted me after my mother died and gave me my last name so it has some meaning to me. Also, I just saw no reason to change it and my husband didn't expect me to.

Similarly, I didn't expect an engagement ring or a fancy wedding. We got married in Vegas and don't even have wedding bands.

 

[Berserk]

^^My mom and dad wore t-shirts and jeans at their ceremony. My mom never changed her name either, come to think of it, but I think she wrote both names sometimes. She did get a fancy engagement ring, but she was so mad after the divorce that she pawned it for $25 even though it was worth way, way more

 

[adonis]

This is actually a really interesting topic, even if don't think I will ever get married one day. If I were a girl, I think I wouldn't mind changing name because I think it is part of the committment to one another. However, I can totally understand that a girl wouldn't change her name because it has a really special meaning for her, it is part of your identity after all.
Like voixdinferno said, it is easier in the Spanish-speaking world since you get both your father's and mother's last names. It becomes difficult when you're from an intercultural couple. My dad is Spanish and my mom is French, since I was born in France, I got my dad's last name (Pérez-Garbin). BUT, since I have a double-nationality, I have two different last names according to the country, in Spain, my name is Pérez-Kelhetter (my mom and dad's names) and in France it is Pérez-Garbin (my dad's name only). It is a nightmare when you know French administration( forgeting an hyphen or anything could lead you to A LOT of administrative troubles). So really, if I get married one day, I would mind to take my partner's last name, it would be REALLY easier for both of us